You've got to start somewhere

Awesome

2009-07-21T11:18:15Z

I've always been a little irritated, or at least bemused, by the American usage of the word "awesome" in place of "acceptable", "good" or "OK". But, seeing once again the moon landing footage I am reminded of why "awesome" was invented. The Americans can do what they want with "awesome". As far as I am concerned, they own it.

Private Education

2009-07-15T09:32:17Z

In the UK the new Charities Act has a "public benefit" provision . The Charities Commission has been looking at private schools to ensure that they are providing a public benefit. Under the guidance, that means that schools should be accessible by poor people. A right-wing blogger commented to me in all seriousness "The poor aren't excluded. They just have to pay the fees like everybody else."

Spam

2009-06-20T16:56:21Z

If you work for Pfizer, how do you filter spam?

The Terrible Sweets of Evil

2009-06-11T14:53:43Z

Parma violets. Does anybody actually like Parma Violets? If you were in purgatory - if it still exists - and someone offered you a sweet, that's what you get. If you are going to create an artificial flavour, why bother if you are starting with something which looks nice but tastes repellent in its natural state, and then make it look unpleasant, too? Only in Derbyshire in the in 1970s could such an abomination be devised. I imagine they didn't even make it out of the country.

The Scienfeldian Chain

2009-05-18T14:04:16Z

There's a nice little utility here which helps you keep your own Seinfeldian Chain.

Mine is here.

Anti-BNP

2009-05-15T11:51:01Z

For those of you who are in the UK, please watch and redistribute:

Swine Flu Immunity

2009-05-12T10:11:14Z

It's my theory that eating bacon immunises you against Swine Flu. I may be wrong, but I'm willing to take that chance.

Also, Graham said that talking to Ron Edwards can give you Swine Flu. Is that possible?

Jury Service

2009-04-30T11:06:11Z

I've just finished jury service. The first case, I couldn't have made up.

The complainant was a 57-year-old ex-bare knuckle circus boxer, the defendant, his transvestite ex-partner. The former accused the latter of hitting him over the head with his walking stick. She claimed that instead he had fallen over, or hit his head while on a trip to the off-license.

As the complainant gave his testimony, the smell of alcohol gradually permeated the court room. The complainant was on 19 forms of medication, mentioned he had very poor memory, and was unable to talk about his own previous convictions for so-called dishonest offences as he "was working for MI5 at the time". The prosecution established that he was once known as Mad Mick. The judge asked Mick if he wanted to sit down, as he a looked unsteady on his feet, but he said he wanted to "stand for queen and country." A few moments later, he asked for a chair. At one point Mick asked the prosecution counsel about his sex life, but he declined to answer.

Into the visitor's gallery came the fragrant Billie, Mad Mick's new transgender girlfriend. Judging by the rapid osmosis of the other spectators, she must have had a multi-decibel odour. One juror said, with some resentment, "you can say what you like about Mick, but at least he's got a partner." Billie was a tall thin black person in a tight red dress and a dishevelled wig, who kept making strange noises of encouragement to Mick. Mick was giving testimony from behind a screen, which also obscured Bille from the judge's view. "Would the person in the public gallery who keeps making noises stop at once!" Eventually, Billie took her shoes off, increasing the chife, and put her long slim legs over the gallery barrier, and was rapidly ushered out. By an usher.

The defendant, during her testimony said "Everything I say is true, even my opinions."

One other exchange amused me. We looked at photos of a blood trail on a pavement, and the judge said "There you can see some of those metal poles which protect pedestrians from runaway vehicles. What are they called...?"
Prosecution, standing up, "Bollards, your honour."
Judge, taken aback, "I beg your pardon?"
Prosecution "They are called bollards, your honour."
Judge, relieved "Oh, I see!"

After four hours of deliberation, defendant was found not guilty by a majority verdict.

That Danish Guy Bangs On

2009-04-03T10:07:02Z

A lipogram.

Shall I subsist or pass away, that is my quandary:
Is it apt in mind braving
Slings and arrows of Fortuna's whim
Or stand willingly with sword against a storm of discord,
And in so doing vanquish it? To succumb: to loll in torpor;
Stop; and by torpor to say it halts
That sorrow and a myriad natural shocks
That is our mortal lot, 'tis a consummation
Staunchly wish'd. To stop living, to swoon;
Oblivion might grant visions; ay, that's a snag;
For in that fatal sloom what visions approach
In slipping from this mortal coil,
Must obtain our caution: a motivation
That crafts calamity of our long span;
For who would withstand whips and scorns of days,
A tyrant's wrong, a proud man's obloquy,
A pang of discount'd ardor, and law's slow work,
Ungracious officials and spurns
That stoics from unworthy folk withstand,
Why might a man not opt for dissolution
With a bald bodkin? who would carry a pack,
To grunt and toil alow a tiring span,
But our horror of that unknown which dying brings,
An unfamiliar country which boundary
No visitor quits, foils my will
And commands us: bow to your familiar ills
Not fly to unknown tribulations?
Thus rationality crafts cowards from us all;
And thus that bright colour of firm ambition
Is clad with an insipid cast of thought,
And a pursuit of lofty pith and import
With this in mind its flow turn awry,
And mislays its call of action. - Soft you now!
Fair child of Polonius! Nymph, in thy orisons
For all my sins ask absolution.

Hook Flash

2009-04-01T10:40:26Z

Hyphens

2009-03-23T09:56:17Z

There is a new film out called Lesbian Vampire Killers.

Is it about

Lesbians who kill vampires?
Lesbian vampires who kill?
People who kill lesbian vampires?

It's the latter. So, that should be Lesbian-Vampire Killers.

To get some idea of quite how bad this film is, the lack of correct hyphenation is, in my opinion, the least of its problems.

Sometimes There is a Spoon

2008-12-23T16:51:31Z

The Delights of a Right-Wing Brother-In-Law

2008-12-09T20:12:09Z

I have a right-wing brother-in-law; he came as part of the package. I suspect I am the woolly Guardian-reading leftie brother-in-law his sister landed him with. Despite this he has some fine attributes. He is a bloody-minded debating opponent, with well-honed conservative arguments. He is someone to talk to at large family gatherings. He provides dead deer, personally shot, for his table. He knows his wine, and is lavish in his hospitality.

But the best thing he has ever done is to raise two dexter cattle on the grounds of his manse, feeding them on grass and little else. These small, hardy beasts are pretty self-sufficient. and he proved us with a selection of choice cuts, at a more than reasonable price. I am not very competent at cooking steaks, but these steaks were the finest I've ever prepared and are up there with the best I've ever tasted. Holy crap, they were good. They were succulent, flavoursome, perfectly marbled and aged to perfection, and I served them with a concentrated stock reduction, onions tons of pepper and chips.

For this, I can overlook his unholy admiration for Margaret Thatcher, his sense of entitlement, and his low opinion of the working classes. Am I wrong? Should I feel dirty? I don't know.

I do that there will be more cattle and more steaks, and I won't change his views...

Thank you, Darling

2008-12-04T16:35:04Z

This morning I bought my cup of coffee. Imagine my delight when I received 3p change, thanks to the Chancellor's recent VAT reduction. I popped next door to Woolworths and attempted to buy it for the 3p, an improvement, I thought, on the recent 1p offer. Apparently, I have to speak to Head Office, and I shouldn't mock people who might lose their jobs.

Strength Through Pies

2008-12-04T11:51:40Z

This is fascist Nick Griffin of the British National Party, apparently suffering from the after-effects of a bowel-related accident.
The Now Show suggested that BNP stands for Bring Numerous Pies. What else might BNP stand for?

Windows 7

2008-11-07T12:18:03Z

The BBC praises the new version of Windows as "Not too annoying."

A Blessed Event

2008-11-06T10:08:19Z

My brother's close encounter.

A uniquely luxurious and generous entry in this famous journal

2008-05-30T08:22:54Z

I hate the devaluation of words, usually in the hands of ad copy agents. For example:

"unique" We even have even degrees of uniqueness. "Our bog roll supports a unique new wiping action which really gets your arse clean"

"luxury" - "our luxury loo paper has tiny microbes which personally scrub your arse with tiny scouring pads"

"generous" - if the salad is so generous, it can pay for my meal.

"famous" - "Try our famous steak" Oh, please, can I speak to its publicist first?

Theme Tune

2008-05-14T15:43:23Z

If you had your own theme tune, what would it be?

I'd go for an ironic Siegfried's Funeral March. Dum-dum, dum-dum, doodle-doodle-doodle-dum - you know that bit.

Oh, and is it the same as your ring tone?

Stop Boris Johnson

2008-04-30T23:49:50Z

Boris Johnson the London Mayoral candidate isn't a just a buffoon capable of screwing up London. Did you know his name is an anagram of "racist bastard"*? This is what he has said:

"They say [Blair] is shortly off to the Congo. No doubt the AK47s will fall silent, and the pangas will stop their hacking of human flesh, and the tribal warriors will all break out in watermelon smiles to see the big white chief touch down in his big white British taxpayer-funded bird."

He was also quoted by the Observer to have said, whilst in Uganda: ‘Right, let's go and look at some more piccaninnies.’ He has written of Africa that ‘the problem is not that we were once in charge, but that we are not in charge any more’; has described South Africa under Nelson Mandela as the ‘majority tyranny of black rule’; and he has written in relation to African people that ‘left to their own devices, the natives would rely on nothing but the instant carbohydrate gratification of the plantain’

From BBC News:

Mr Johnson wrote: "For 10 years we in the Tory Party have become used to Papua New Guinea-style orgies of cannibalism and chief-killing, and so it is with a happy amazement that we watch as the madness engulfs the Labour Party."
But Jean L Kekedo, Papua New Guinea's High Commissioner in London, reacted angrily to the remarks.
She said: "I consider the comments, coming from a senior British MP very damaging to the image of Papua New Guinea and an insult to the integrity and intelligence of all Papua New Guineans.
"I wish to state that I am shocked and appalled by such comments from a seemingly well-educated person of very high standing, in fact the alternative minister for higher education in the House of Commons.

He's recently made some conveniently timed apologies for some of these remarks.

Boris Johnson is either a racist or so utterly out of touch with people outside his own little clique that he is in any case totally unsuitable to be Mayor of London.

Please vote for someone else.

*This is not strictly true, but it ought to be.

Album meme

2008-01-14T10:57:04Z

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erik_Pevernagie

2. "as the cruelest words."

3. "http://www.flickr.com/photos/_jimcrackcorn/2180250051/"

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:RandomThe article title is the name of your band.

2. http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3The last four words of the very last quotation is the title of your album.

3. http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4.Use your graphics programme of choice to throw them together, and post the resul

Missing CDs

2007-11-24T13:15:10Z

The names and addresses of every child in Britain are missing, but you don't need to worry. I know who did it.

Think about, who really needs those addresses more than anyone else?

I'll give you a clue.

One of the data fields is a flag for "Naughty" or "Nice".

Six-Word Stories

2007-11-03T22:29:21Z

Here are a few six-word stories. Do you have any to offer?

I pulled. It wasn't a mask.

Winter came suddenly, then never left.

Four aces? Winner. Five aces? Gunfight.

You must stay within the word

Zombies? Leave one bullet for yourself.

She took my hand. I bled.

After the sixth bullet, he smiled.

His money went, as did she.

Burn or fall? Maybe I'll fly.

Stargate

2007-10-30T12:41:42Z

I'm with the slimey Colonel guy - close the damn Stargate already! Almost every mission seems to result in the potential destruction of the Earth, and all they've got out of it so far is a fancy taser.

The Earth has been attacked by alien pyramid, nearly sucked into a black hole, almost destroyed by a couple of plagues, infested by parasitic aliens, and attacked by giant mosquitoes which have already laid waste to another world. And that's just off the top of my head. anubisgrrl might disagree.

Evil Sainsburys

2007-10-22T13:30:39Z

I am consuming my second bag of satsumas from Sainsburys. I have reached what is without doubt a clementine. Yes, you heard me right. They replaced a satsuma with a clementine, a clammy-skinned tight piggied interloper. I will take this matter to the highest court in the land.